Haynes Manual Translations

[Guinney1971]

This has just been posted on our Vauxhall/Opel forum, and I thought I'd
share it with you cos its had me in fits of laughter just now

Haynes manual translations.

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Youve probably seen this already - someone emailed it to me and I thought it was funny:-

Haynes: "This is a snug fit"
Translation: "Beat repeatedly with hammer"

Haynes: "Rotate anticlockwise"
Translation: "Clamp with molegrips, beat handle repeatedly with hammer"

Haynes: "Pry"
Translation: "Hammer screwdriver into"

Haynes: "Undo"
Translation: "Locate aged can of WD40. Hammer can to increase pressure. Squirt everywhere"

Haynes: "Retain tiny spring"
Translation: "What the Hell was that? It nearly had my eye out!"

Haynes: "Apply moderate heat"
Translation: "Placing your mouth near it and huffing is not moderate heat"

Haynes: "Press and rotate to remove lamp"
Translation: "Smash glass. Dig out bayonet with pliers"

Haynes: "Carefully"
Translation: "You are about to cut yourself badly"

Haynes: "Lightly"
Translation: "Start off gently, build up pressure until veins are standing proud of your forehead. Reread the manual because what you are doing can in no way be described as 'lightly"

Haynes: "Weekly checks"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, don't fix it"

Haynes: "Routine maintenance"
Translation: "If it ain't broken, it sure as hell is about to be"

Haynes: "Compress"
Translation: "Squeeze with all your might, club with wrench, jump upon, back car over, throw at garage wall, then search for battered component in darkest corner of garage while cussing repeatedly under breath"

Haynes: "Inspect"
Translation: "Squint really hard, pretending you know exactly what you are looking at. Declare in a loud, knowing voice, "Just as I thought. It's going to need a new one"

Haynes: "Retaining nut"
Translation: "The hexagonal metal block you just shaved irreparably with
an imperial size spanner"

Haynes: "Using a suitable drift"
Translation: "A paving slab will suffice"

Haynes: "Get an assistant"
Translation: "Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know"

Haynes: "Turning the engine will be much easier with the plugs removed"
Translation: "Turning the engine will be much harder, and will probably be accompanied by some distressing noises you've never heard before. Once that panicky, clenched feeling in your stomach has subsided, continue as if everything is fine"

Haynes: "Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal"
Translation: "Discard leftover screws and washers"

Haynes: "Prise away plastic locating pegs"
Translation: "Bend back and forth repeatedly until it snaps"

Haynes: "Everyday toolkit"
Translation: "Ensure you have your RAC membership card handy and have charged your mobile phone"

[bttf brian]

Hi Claire

My favourite is third from the end. Where do all those extra bits come from?? I guess everyone has got a favourite. This isn't some sort of
personality test is it??

[Guinney1971]

haha, no, but there are certainly a few parts that I can relate to! lol

[bttf brian]

would that be pry, snug, retain or squeeze???

[Rottbott]

It's missing my favourite: "simply".

As in, "Changing spark plugs, step 1: Simply remove the engine from the car as described in section ..."

[tc ozzie]

OH i hate Haynes manuals theres always someones bloody hand in the way of those photos and its normally the bit you want to do on ya motor aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh